Personal goal for 2006: learn to focus.

You know, I'd just love to be able to kick myself. I don't like to let too many people in my cipher because I hate the feeling of vulnerability, plain and simple. And also, I'm a brat. So when things don't go the way I want them to, watch out for the Sarah Jessica Parker face (Get it? The long face...okay, never mind).

So okay. I fell for this brother. Who lives in London. I live in New York. Damn. I met him through a now-defunct writers website. He read some of my stuff and emailed me, praising my shit, which was fantastic. That was last July. Instantly, I sent him a reply and that got the ball rolling, so we became fast friends.

We moved from emails to MSN, and we had good chemistry and I was always super, super happy whenever he signed on. Since we chatted so often, we got to know each other (well, as well as you can know someone over that medium), and I started to think, "Huh. If he lived out here, I'd probably want to date him," but I tried to ignore it.

I feel like such a cornball right now, lol. This is so "A Wedding Story". I don't notice that show that much on TLC anymore. Is it still in production?

Anyway, we talked all the time, and it got to the point where I turned into Keira Knightley whenever one of us had to sign off. (Okay, who notices the perpetual pout on Keira's face? It can't be just me.) So one day last month I complained about him signing off after only two hours (lol) and he says, "All right, I'll try to find more time for us to talk, but I'm afraid of one thing."

"What?"

"I'm afraid of getting too close to you."

So I say, "Well who knows? It could be the best thing that ever happened to you," without censoring myself. And then the floodgates opened.

Now we're all mushy and shit on the phone, and it's honestly really cute, not repulsive at all. He's so beautiful and chocolatey with locs that look more like twists, but that's okay. Judging from his pictures, he also has the lamest fashion sense, but he's got moxie; unabashedly says whatever he thinks, and is clever as all hell...so if I can dress him, he'll be fine all the way round. He also has this low, rolling voice that really soothes...God, I sound like such a cornball, but whatever. We laugh, we argue (oh my God, do we argue), we text message back and forth, we debate, we agree to disagree, we get deep, we talk superficially, and it's all the same: I just wuv him to pieces. I find myself making daily mentions of him.

"Ma, you know what ____ said the other day?" So you know she hates his ass, bless her. But like Miss Cristal, he truly is my triple B (Beautiful Baby Boo...that's The Boondocks, y'all).

Okay, with the distance comes expense and drama. He's a writer=broke, so he's hustling with two jobs to save up serious dough. By the end of the day, however, he's "totally knackered", so now the communication is halting. I'm not used to hardly talking at all. I'm also pissed about how much I'm spending for discounted minutes to the UK, and they have the nerve to have the shittiest connections. Tonight I was calling him back and forth from my cell and house phones, thinking that if I use my landline that would help. No. Cell phone? Nope. And tonight was one of his "knackered" nights, so our convo was cut short because this dude is dozing on the phone. So I got highly pissed. Not his fault, but it's just like...damn, man, gimme something!!!

So I have a loooong ass break until the summer--I am going back to school to take the pre-nursing courses, then with God's help and my own mettle, I'll get into the nursing program at school in the fall. The point is, I'm trying to figure out, should I keep myself inundated with work and other activities? I sometimes think if I do that, then it'll turn into an "out of sight, out of mind" situation. I sometimes wonder if I'm just wasting my time and energy.

Here's to focus...ing on something different. For the time being, that is. The pining, the mopiness, it's taking me back to my angsty teenage days, and it's really beginning to get on my nerves.

Whoever has the warmest smile wins!-March 24, 2006

Prayer Works!-February 21, 2006

Life gloss-January 31, 2006

Worn down Ny-Lon-January 29, 2006

The Here and Now-January 21, 2006